Thoughts of a Mockingjay
by more than just a game
Summary: Katniss is left damaged after Mockingjay. This is what's going through her head and what's going on in her life after Mockingjay. Eventually Peeta will come into the story. Sorry I suck at summaries.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This is my first fanfic and I really wanted to make one on the Hunger Games. If I get reviews, I'll add onto the story. I hope you like it.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Hunger Games.**

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><p>Why don't people understand? I don't want their company or their sympathy .All I want is to be alone in sorrow. I just want to grieve over my sister's death and the others that I've lost. Greasy Sae comes by to check up on me and make sure I'm still alive. She cooks and I force myself to eat it. Sae keeps her distance. She tried talking to me at first, but soon gave up once she realized she wouldn't be getting a word out of me.<p>

So here I am, hidden in my bed, being the useless and pathetic thing I am. At one point I was the Mockingjay, the symbol of the rebellion as some would say. I represented hope throughout the Districts of Panem. As long as I lived, the rebellion lived. What do I have to live for now? There is no more rebellion, my sister is dead, my best friend and my mother left me, and my hijacked boy with the bread is in the Capital getting "treated".

I really miss Prim, I miss her so much. Not a day goes by where I don't miss my sister. It was my responsibility to take care of her. It was my duty to protect her and looked what happened. I watched poor little Prim die right in front of me. I would do anything, and I mean anything to see my Prim again. To see her full of life and happiness. I would take in the innocence in her eyes and the blondeness of her hair. I would let her laugh run through my head all day and chase her around calling her my _little duck_. Prim was the only person I was sure I loved. I shed a tear for my sister. Those tears multiply and eventually turn into my sobs. I turn on my side and clutch my pillow and just cry. I can feel my heart break in my chest. I need you Prim, I need you here with me. As flashes of my sister pop in my head and tears continue to fall, I fall into a dreamless sleep.

I wake up the next morning dreading the day ahead. Another day filled with tears and regrets. Oh how "fun". My head is still numb from the crying that took place yesterday, but feeling is normal. Just like every day, I force myself out of bed and make my way into the bathroom.

My hands grab the edges of the sink and I force myself to look at myself in the mirror. Dried tears stain my face along with purple blotches that appear below my eyes. My hair is in it's normal mess which adds to my zombie like appearance. Look at yourself Katniss. Look at what you've become. I guess seeing myself scared some sense into me, so I decide to take a shower. I allow all my sadness to wash away as the warm water trickles down my skin. Once the water stops, so does the relief as I allow my cloud of depression creep up on me. I step out of the shower and throw on some clothes. For some reason I decide to braid my hair. It's rare for me to braid my hair. I usually don't have the effort to braid it, but I suppose I just feel extra abnormal today.

I head downstairs and find Greasy Sae in the kitchen cooking some eggs and bacon. She sees my with my braided hairstyle and smiles. I hope she doesn't think I' feeling better, because I don't. I still feel like crap. There's something a little off about her today. She seems a bit bubblier than usual, and I don't think she thinks I feel better. What can it be?

As my mind wonders at the possibilities of why Greasy Sae might be in her perky mood, I begin on eat my eggs and rip off bits on my bacon to feed them to Buttercup. I suppose me and Buttercup made a truce when I came back. We both grieve over Prim and I suppose he's the only company that I can tolerate now. As I continue questioning Sae's behavior, Sae takes a seat next to me. She is still wearing her smile. I look at her with confusion when she says something that leaves me in shock.

"He's back. Peeta's back."


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I was really shocked when I found out that this story got reviews. Thank you so much! I really appreciated every single one of them. If I get more reviews, I'll keep adding on. So here's chapter 2, I hope you like it :)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Hunger Games. **

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><p>I stare blankly at Sae as I try to absorb what she just said. My boy with the bread is back. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I want to be happy that he's here, I really do, but I can't. My head immediately fills with images of Peeta. I admire the warmth of his smile and the sparkle in his eyes. Peeta was always there for me whenever I was haunted by my nightmares. Just thinking about him overwhelms me. Instead of feeling comfort and happiness in his return, I feel loss and sadness. For once the loss and sadness is not for me, but for Peeta. I make a hand gesture that shows Greasy Sae that I need a moment and I run upstairs right back to my room.<p>

Instead of hiding in my bed, I head to the corner of my room and slide my back down the wall. I pull my knees to my chest and engulf myself in my depression. Peeta lost everything when district 12 was bombed. His mother and siblings lives were taken on that terrible day. Most importantly, Peeta lost his father that day. Mr. Mellark was probably the kindest person you would ever meet. I still remember that on the day of the 74th Annual Hunger Games reaping he came to visit me and gave me cookies before I boarded the train to the Capital. I was struck by confusion as he gave sweets to the person who was going to murder his son. I now understand why he did this. Mr. Mellark wasn't looking for prophet when he gave me those cookies, he did this out of the kindness of his heart. Regret immediately strikes me as I think about how I just threw those cookies away. The world has been robbed of another good soul. Peeta's family surely did not deserve to die.

You want to know the real cause of their deaths? It wasn't because of some bomb that blew up the district. It was because of me! The only reason that bomb was dropped was because I blew up the arena. If I hadn't blown up that stupid arena, Peeta's family and most of District 12 would be safe. I killed all those people. Those poor innocent souls forced to watch their world literally blow up in front of them as bombs fall from the sky engulfing their world in fire. Slowly, they watch as everything and everyone they love as well as themselves burn. I can't even imagine the pain they must have felt as they took their last breath of the tainted air. My heart aches as the thought of little children on fire not knowing what to do as their flesh begins to burn. The girl on fire set fire to them as well. This was all my fault. MY FAULT! I allow myself to sob uncontrollably

Selfish.

Here you are Katniss only thinking about your own sadness. You allow yourself to grieve over Peeta's loss for less than fifteen minutes and then you go right back to crying over yourself. Stop thinking about what you could have done. For a moment just stop and remember who you are.

My name is Katniss Everdeen. I am 18 years old. The districts were at war with the Capital, but the Capital was defeated. My sister died during the war. Gale and my mother abandoned me. Peeta left but had returned. I don't know how I feel about this. All I know is that everything around me is falling apart.

This somehow redeems me and I decide to make my way back downstairs. I find Greasy Sae in the kitchen washing dishes and I put on a mask that hides my previous feelings. No matter how many times she's witnessed my emotional breakdowns, I try to avoid her seeing me _weak_. I have this sick and useless feeling which I absolutely hate. I need to escape this world of death. The only problem is how I make this happen. Greasy Sae seems to be keeping up with my thoughts.

"You should go hunting today," she suggests showing me a slight smile. She always knows what to say.

Greasy Sae has been good to me these past few months. I need to remember when, more like **if**, I get better to thank her properly for all the work she has done for me. The truth is without Sae, I probably would be in more of a mess than I am now.

I remain mute and simply nod at her suggestion. Hunting will be good for me, I think. The woods were always my safe heaven, the only place where I could be myself. Gale used to say that I only smile in the woods. I stand a little straighter at the thought of a happy memory. I haven't even stepped one foot into the woods yet it's already beginning to transform me.

I head upstairs and change into some appropriate hunting clothes. If only I had my father's hunting jacket, then I would feel more complete. I head back downstairs and slip on my leather hunting boots. I then realize I have forgotten about one very important thing. I don't have a bow. I plop myself back on the couch. Just as my depression seemed like it was going away, it comes right back. Greasy Sae witnesses what just took place and joins me on the couch.

"What happened Katniss?" she asked with a concerned face. For a brief moment Sae looked happy seeing me begin to come back to life as the slight mention of the woods. She notices that the part has now died down. I allow myself to look into those concerned eyes and allow myself to do something I haven't done in months.

Speak.

"I don't have a bow."

A smile reappears on Greasy Sae's old face. "I can fix that," she replies. Sae leaves the couch and disappears into a small hall.

Greasy Sae returns with something I thought I would never see again. It's my bow. The shock on my face must please her as she graciously hands me my old bow and a sheath of arrows. She also hands me something that paralyzes my body for a brief second. It's my father's hunting jacket. I slip on my father's hunting jacket and try to remember the old Katniss. I'm starting to come back alive.

"Thank you." I say to her. "Thank you for everything." I really am thankful. I guess in some way, Greasy Sae is my guardian angel.

A loving smile appears on Sae's face and in a sweet tone she says "Anytime Katniss."

I make my way towards the door prepared to go back into my woods. This is it. Today is the day Katniss Everdeen finally decides to leave haunted house full of dreaded memories. I begin to reach for the doorknob but I stop myself. I'm not ready to leave. I'm not prepared to open this door and see this new world. The only thing I can think about is death and destruction. If I open this door and see that I think break more than ever before. What if the rebellion didn't work? What if Snow is still alive? NO. Stop Katniss. The rebellion is over and Snow is dead. This new world is now filled with peace. As I am fighting with myself, I somehow manage to open the door. What I see truly amazes me.

The air is warm and almost screams spring. The sun is high in the sky and its light hurts my eyes. I feel so foreign in this environment. My depressed self surely does not belong in this picture. I take a cautious step outside my front door. You did it Katniss, you made it outside. I try really hard to resist myself from running back inside the house. As I examine the world I notice something off.

I look around my porch and I notice newly planted flowers. The smell of blood begins to tamper with my senses. I'm about to crack at the sight of them – _roses_. I look more closely at them and to my relief they are not roses that remind me of the dreaded Snow. These flowers remind me of someone more important that had and still has a great impact on my life. These flowers are _primroses_. My eyes don't have to search far for the person who planted them. Right there on the bottom of my step is the person I was hoping to avoid today.

I whisper his name to myself.

Peeta.


End file.
